Thursday, December 28, 2017

Therapy and Complications

I have a lot on my plate right now with therapy. I know I've been pretty MIA on my blog for a while. I'm hoping to change that soon. I just have so much to deal with regarding therapy, and it takes quite a bit of my energy.

I'm following this therapy vlog on youtube that I need to stop following because it's making me feel more triggered, but I can't seem to stop watching it. Like, I'm sort of hooked on it now.

Here's the deal: Towards the end of 2015, I suddenly felt really close with all of my coworkers. It just felt like such a warm and caring group, and even though I'd prefer not to have a job, I actually enjoyed going to work and seeing them every day. I looked forward to it.

For a while, I felt so attached that I was craving more time with my coworkers and more of a close relationship with them. Right now, I have a friend I met at work whom I talk to outside of work and whom I'm working on becoming closer with. But the rest of my coworkers were my parents' age and didn't really get together outside of work. I desperately wanted to have a closer relationship with all of them. I was annoyed at the boundaries we had from being coworkers, that I felt like I couldn't talk to them the way I'd talk to people outside of work.

At some point, I found a blog called askamanger.org, where people write in work-related questions. I immediately fell in love with the blog author and loved her answers to a lot of questions. But over time, I found that that blog was upsetting to me. I'm just not a work person, I hate the pressure to have career aspirations and to behave in "work-appropriate" ways. I'm not okay with the expectations of a lot of jobs, and a lot of what I read on this blog made me scared to ever look for a job somewhere else.

But even though it was bothering me so much, I kept reading the blog. Why? Because it satisfied a desire that I wasn't getting fulfilled. I would go home, wishing I could be closer with my coworkers, wishing they could come over to my house and we could be our real selves around each other. I'm not a work person, but I obviously associate my coworkers with work, reading this blog about work questions made me feel closer to them. It helped satisfy that desire that wasn't being met. I eventually stopped following the blog when it was really causing more harm than good for me, but it took a long time for me to stop.

Therapy has brought up so many things for me that I need to work through, and I feel like I'm craving more time with my therapist than our once-a-week-meeting. It's not that I'm in a super bad place right now (although I feel like I'm heading towards one once my class starts up again). It's just that I have so much to work through in the therapy, and everything has so many layers because I get triggered by the therapy itself and then I have to deal with those meta-issues as well. I'm thinking about these issues all the time, and I really want more therapy time than I have currently, because I have so much stuff on my plate and we never get through it all. So, similar to the way I started following a work-related blog when I wanted a closer relationship with my coworkers, I've started reading more therapy stuff and following a therapy vlog to help satisfy my needs. The problem is that, just like with work, I'm not actually a therapy person. I know that sounds weird because I'm so focused on it, but I'm actually very against a lot of mainstream therapy concepts and I find a lot of therapy stuff to be triggering. It's only when I'm actually working with my own therapist one-on-one that I feel safe because she's willing to help me work through my issues with the therapy itself and she is very respectful about what works and doesn't work for me. So all this extra stuff I'm reading and watching about therapy is making me feel worse, yet I keep doing it because it's satisfying this desire in me, and I don't know how to stop.

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