Monday, November 14, 2016

Meh.

I never really got to just focus on my grandma and take the time I needed to grieve. Never. There was always someone pulling me in another direction or the election taking over my brain so I literally couldn't focus on the letter I was writing to her. Always something else. Always something I had to put first. Always some other obligation, whether it was someone literally pushing me to function (like my aunt at her wedding) or myself pushing me to function because everyone was yelling that it was time to stand up and fight instead of just shutting down for a while. I never had a chance. Grandma never got a turn to just be the number one thing on my mind. It's not fair. But I don't know how to make room for her in my mind with everything else that's in it right now.

And I never got to really act like that C C C D student that I said I would be like. Never. It's not fair and it's not okay. It's never going to be okay until I get that chance.

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