Monday, August 31, 2015
I am NOT interested in getting rid of Facebook altogether. I am also not interested in unfollowing everyone altogether. I went a couple years without newsfeed and liked it, but recently I've had enough friends that I really want to hear from that it's very inconvenient to not get newsfeed and have to keep checking everyone's page.
I saw the absolute most disgusting thing ever on my feed last night where some lady was telling her son that hypothetically if she died, she would not want him to use her death as an excuse to do bad things. YUCK!!!!!! OF COURSE I'M GONNA DO BAD THINGS IF BAD THINGS HAPPEN!!!!!!!! DUH!!!!!!!!!!! I do good things when good things happen, I do bad things when bad things happen. It's extremely simple to understand. If something really bad happened to me, I would trash my place to the point that you would seriously need to go to the doctor and get a fucking tetanus shot just to walk in my place because there would be contaminated shards of glass everywhere. I will NEVER grieve in a positive way. I will NEVER be nice to someone who wasn't nice to me. And I will NEVER get over anything or forgive anyone and move on. EVER!!!!!!!!
I don't understand why this fucking lady got to invade my world like this. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER!!!!!!!! I did NOT consent to hearing anything she had to say. She was on my newsfeed because a friend *liked* her post. Just liked it. Didn't even share it or anything, literally just liked it without even having the intention of it showing up on everyone's feed.
So then this morning, I have to see some other "Life's too short not be happy" thing because of a fucking *like* when I have so carefully unfollowed everyone who posts things like that. Seriously, I've done everything in my power to cut positive people out of my life, and now Facebook is forcing positive shit down my throat from people I don't even fucking know!!!!!!
You know, I'd get it if I got feed like, "Your friend likes this brand of shampoo," because then they're just trying to sell me the shampoo. But why on earth would I want to hear from people I've never even met, if I didn't seek them out myself? Facebook is not Pinterest! I should not be getting recommendations of people I've never fucking met because of "common interests" or whatever. Pinterest misreads my interests sometimes and gives me stuff that's the opposite of what I'm looking for, but it also gets me right a lot of the time. Facebook doesn't. I know someday Facebook will change because enough of us have complained about it, but I AM SICK OF THIS!!!!!!!! I do EVERYTHING in my power to keep positivity and responsibility out of my life and my newsfeed, and it just keeps happening again and again and I am SICK OF IT!!!! It's an endless battle of "hide all from" people I don't even know!
I think from now on, I need to look first at the post description that says, "So and so liked/shared..." and NEVER click on anything that anyone just *likes.* No one likes stuff with the intention of sharing it with friends anyway, because that's what actual sharing is for.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Friday, August 28, 2015
1. Expecting people (especially children) to pay attention to things that they are not interested in.
2. Expecting people (especially children) to pay attention to things longer than they want to.
3. Expecting people (especially children) to sit still when they don't feel like it.
4. Attempting to manipulate other people's bodily movements by pushing them to sit still when they want to run and jump around, and also pushing them to join organized sports teams as an outlet for their energy when they want to sit on the couch and play video games.
5. Calling things that people truly want to pay attention to "distractions."
6. Doing bad things to people who do not conform to your attention expectations.
Other common symptoms include denial and projection. Individuals with AED tend to not only deny that they suffer from this disorder, but project their disorder onto people who do not meet their attention expectations.
AED is also known to be contagious. An adult who does not have AED can develop this disorder from close contact with other adults who have it.
If you know an individual who suffers from Attention Expectation Disorder, reach out to them today and help them seek treatment! Together, we will find a cure!
Thursday, August 13, 2015
But while we're on the topic of best entries, I'd like to explain how the entries that matter most to me have changed since the beginning. Aside from my two major project posts, the entries I would normally list as "best entries" were entries that were well written and sounded like they belonged in the book or magazine, rather than an online journal, such as my post defining absolute validation in my guide to self understanding. But now, that has changed. Perhaps it changed because I'm working on a book about validation, so I no longer feel the need to direct people to blog posts that are essentially going to be published in book. Or perhaps it changed simply because I always wanted this to be an online journal where I would write about whatever I wanted. But in any case I have a new definition of what I consider my "best entries" to be now. After The Unencrypted Truth and the un-schooling post, the blog posts that mean the most to me right now are the ones that clearly defined my emotional needs. One of my favorites is Activities I'm Willing and Not Willing to Do When I Feel Bad. Writing this post felt absolutely amazing because I got to clearly explain something about my emotional needs that I had been trying to explain for a very long time. After years of simply saying, "No, I don't feel up for that right now," and having to deal with people pushing me anyway, it felt absolutely amazing to clearly state what I'm willing and not willing to do based on how I feel. Another entry I'm really satisfied with is Relationships, Meeting New People, and What Really Happens Last Summer – not because of the issue I discussed in the second half of the post, involving that person, but because of the first half what I simply explained my priority list and an clearly described where a particular thing – in this case, meeting new people – fell on my list. There's just something about stating that explicitly clearly that made me feel wonderful. The same was true when I posted The Conditions of my Central Focus. Like the priority list, this was something I had written a long time ago for myself and had never had the guts to post publicly. And even though the conditions of my central focus are not really "need to know" pieces of information for people the way that the activities I'm willing and not willing to do are, it felt absolutely amazing to clearly state my needs relating to my primary passion. I think I've experienced a lot of pressure to not have the emotional needs that I do, and to be okay living without certain things. Because of this, stating my emotional needs in a clear, factual way that leaves no room for negotiation is the most freeing experience ever. Here is a list of the blog posts in which I clearly defined my emotional needs as facts:
Activities That I'm Willing and Not Willing to Do When I Feel Bad
On Relationships, Meeting New People, and What Really Happened Last Summer
Conditions of my Central Focus
How to Treat Me like I'm Untamable
These are my best entries because they state my own emotional needs as facts and do not allow room for negotiation or in any way indicate that I am actually talking about a bigger issue than myself. My own emotional needs are what I wanted to talk about all along.
I started out practicing Dragon by speaking song lyrics, but using punctuation and quotation marks as if the song lyrics were a paragraph. I knew that this would help me to get used to using Dragon by getting used to saying things like, "Comma" "Period" "Cap" "Open Quote" without having the frustration of being slowed down in something that I really want to say. I knew that if I got good enough at using Dragon when speaking meaningless things to it, I would eventually get up to speed enough that I could use Dragon for important writing. So I found a technique that works for me, just like the way I did when I learned how to jump rope.
So on Monday night this week, I used Dragon for practically all of the writing that I did that night, which included a blog post and working on the results sections of my quiz book. It was slower than I would've liked, but not so frustrating that I just couldn't do it at all. And something amazing happened: when I went to work the next morning, my hands were significantly less sore than they normally are! All it took was ONE NIGHT of using Dragon in place of my normal personal typing routine for my hands to feel better the next day!
I know I can't always use Dragon – I can't use it when I'm writing a blog post from work, I can't use it when I'm in bed late at night because I talk louder than normal and it would most likely disturb my neighbor, and on Tuesday I did quite a bit of typing because my friend was shouting out ideas at me and it would've been too frustrating to try to coordinate Dragon while I was taking notes. But I can use Dragon for lots of things, even simple things like speaking my search terms into Google or YouTube. My hands have gotten a bit sore again because I did type on Tuesday and Wednesday night, but I am hoping that if I use Dragon for everything tonight, I'll feel an improvement tomorrow at work. If I continue to primarily use Dragon for my personal typing, I should see a huge improvement in how my hands and arms feel.
There are still a few kinks that I need to work out: I haven't figured out how to teach Dragon not to correct certain things, such as automatically changing "gonna" to "going to" or "cuz" to "because." I do not wish to be grammatically correct on my blog, and Dragon has a tendency to do everything the proper way automatically. So that's something I'll need to figure out how to fix. If I sound slightly more formal in the meantime, you'll know why. It is not intentional.
As I'm speaking this blog post right now, I feel amazing. I've made so much progress in terms of learning Dragon in such a short time. It was only a few weeks ago that I got Dragon and found it too frustrating to use for anything important. Now I'm already getting the hang of dictating with my voice, and it's starting to feel natural. I could definitely get used to this! :-)
Monday, August 10, 2015
Now I can proudly say that I have TWO great answers for the question of, “What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?” These answers are:
1. Starting a sex blog, writing about all of my wild sexual fantasies and sexual adventures, and essentially making myself into a porn star.
2. Sending The Unencrypted Truth to the top deans of my college, and letting them know that what happened to me in college will never, ever be okay.
(I’m hoping to have a third answer to this question within the next year or so, but I’ll explain my plan in another blog post).
What’s really special about these answers is that they’re mine. These outrageous things are really, truly me. They are things that actually matter to me, not just random things I did at a party so that I could say that I did something outrageous. See, even if I had been the one to place the condom in that friend’s laptop, or even if I had thought of that prank on my own, it just wouldn’t be special to me. I always felt like I was behind, like I wasn’t as cool as all my friends, even though I consider myself to be wild and untamable. And when I think about the answers that I have now to the question, “What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?” I realize just how far I’ve come in becoming the untamable person that I’ve always wanted to be. I realize that there are different ways of being outrageous, and just because I may not seem like the outrageous one in party situations does not mean that I am any less outrageous than people who get drunk and dance on tables and are the life of the party. We all have a wide range of different answers to that question, and my answers are special to me. My answers are things that not everyone could do. I am a writer, and it’s not everyone who could write a sex blog or who could write a hundred and two page essay about their college experience and have the guts to send it to the top deans at their school. Those are my answers to the question of what’s the most outrageous thing that I’ve ever done. And when I’m asked that question again next time I’m playing truth or dare, I will answer with pride, because the most outrageous things I’ve ever done are not random things that I did one time at a party – they are some of the greatest things that I’ve achieved in my life.
Oh, and while we’re on the subject…
Never Have I Ever gotten a peeling sunburn in the United States.
That's going to be my "Never Have I Ever" from now on, because at this point I've pretty much done all of the same cool and wild stuff that all my peers have done. Of course there are things I haven't done, but in terms of things I haven't done that most of my peers have done, there just aren't that many things left. It's not like back when I was 21 and felt like I had done nothing wild compared to my friends. I've done lots of wild sexual things, probably more than the average person has. I've driven way above the speed limit, I've stolen paperclips from work to use as sex toys, I've trashed my ex's car with cereal, I've told people to go fuck a porcupine, etc. The only thing I can really think of that most people have experienced that I haven't is getting a peeling sunburn.
Next time we play truth or dare together, I hope someone asks me what's the most outrageous thing I've ever done. Because now, I finally have an answer, and it would make my younger self very proud.
Thursday, August 6, 2015
I have a very close friend who would not enjoy going to a wedding. They will dislike it in a way that most of my friends wouldn't, and it is going to come with a lot of extra stresses that won't stress most of my other friends out. For the first few years of our friendship, I had just assumed that they would never go to a wedding. But in recent years, I asked them if they would come to my wedding, and they said yes. They said they would go because it was important to me. That meant the world to me. To know that a friend is doing something that is extra stressful for them, that is not something they really want to do, just to make me happy is very, very special. I acknowledge that it is a very big deal for this friend to come to my wedding, and I appreciate it on a different level. I appreciate it the same way I'd appreciate it if a friend traveled from very far away just to be at my wedding. Sometimes the extra effort someone makes is obvious to everyone, like if you traveled far, and sometimes that effort is less obvious. Sometimes the extra effort it takes is completely internal, where no one else can see it. No outside observer would think anything extra special of the fact that this friend came to my wedding, but I would see it as my friend going really above and beyond for me.
That's all I'm asking for when I do things that are very, very stressful in order to see my friends or to do something that is important to them. I'm not asking for anything in exchange. I don't need a parade or anything. I'd just like it to be understood, acknowledged, and appreciated when I go through a lot of extra stress for something, and not have it be treated like it's no big deal and that I should have done more.
Someday when I get married, I know that some people are going to judge my friend harshly for not dressing "properly" and not eating whatever food we serve and not participating in various parts of the party the way that other people are. They're going to think that my friend isn't making any effort. But none of those details matter to me because I know that a wedding is the last place my friend wants to be and it would just mean the world to me that they came, no matter what.
All I want is to get that same level of acceptance when I do something that's really stressful for me. I want to know that what I did will be accepted, appreciated, and that no one is going to expect more from me when I've already gone way above and beyond what I'm actually comfortable doing.
Sometimes I wish we lived in a super overt culture where when people had events, they would say, "Extroverts only," "Low maintenance people only," "Positive people only," etc. Why? Because my life would be much easier if I actually knew where I was welcome and unwelcome, if there were no guessing games. I would experience so much less anxiety if I knew that "open to everyone" truly meant open to everyone because it wouldn't be something people said just to be polite. It would be something people meant. I'd just like to know ahead of time when I'm not going to be welcome, and no one will ever tell me that. I don't go to things I'm not suited for. Every time I have been unwelcome somewhere or pressured to change, it was someplace that I was told was open to everyone. If an event is only for a certain type of person, I would really appreciate if people could just say that so that I can make an informed decision and so that "open to everyone" actually means something.
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Fortunately I know how to make it go away before Saturday. Just a little life hack I picked up. Hmm. Perhaps I should write a life hack on the other blog. I have been meaning to revamp it, and nothing's "too graphic" for that blog. Teeheehee...
Saturday, August 1, 2015
Why is it that no matter how much I talk about being untamable and not caring about rules, people are so fucking shocked out of their wits when I actually behave like the person I've been telling you I am all along???
Or like the homework thing. I SAY that I hate school and it's the least important thing to me, so why does everyone act so shocked that I ain't offerin homework help cuz I ain't never gonna have the homework done when you ask your questions? Like, it's okay to ask and all, but why the shock when my answer is no I can't help you cuz I ain't even cracked the book open? I have SAID a gazillion times that I don't give a fuck about school so why is this so fucking shocking? Could you people please open up your brains and remove the part that says "Nikki is a good student" and throw it out for fuck's sake?
So then I'm sittin at the one tiny piece of orientation I decided to go to (which was a huge mistake and I should not have gone cuz it was no fun!) and some students are talking among each other that they're not sure how to dress for some president's address that night, and one of them asked me what I'm wearing. I said that I wasn't going, but I that it seemed like a slightly nicer event than this part of the orientation. I said it probably wouldn't be super formal, like something wear you'd need to wear a dress or a business suit, it would be a little nicer than this part, so maybe black pants or a skirt would be more appropriate, but I assured them that since it was still just a campus event, there would probably be plenty of students who didn't dress up for it and were just wearing jeans. I thought I was being helpful by advising them even though I wasn't going, but everyone at the table was so fucking shocked that I wasn't showing up! Seriously, what is it that I'm doing that gives off this vibe that I'd rather sit and listen to some old guy in a suit yammer on about school stuff I don't give a fuck about when I could be at the beach instead?
It's just, I think back to the kids at my high school who never did anything and their attitude was always like "Why the fuck would I do that?" about EVERYTHING and everyone expected that outa them and they didn't get pushed around cuz everyone knew they didn't care about the rules and were like fuck the system I ain't doin shit! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO BE TREATED THAT WAY????????????