Thursday, September 3, 2015

Not Working

My survey is not working. I got three responses so far. One that I think was a joke (in a nice way), one that was clearly a personal attack on me, and one that was very nice and fits with what I know I would have *actually* been like if none of that bad stuff had happened, but I have no suggestions. Nothing I can DO that will make me like someone who was never disciplined and never went to school. I am at a total loss of what to actually DO right now.

The problem is that all the adults who forced me to be in school non-consentually - they will always take credit for everything good that I do. The English teachers who were strict and forced us to do lots of homework and studying and reciting prepositions and all - they would never, EVER believe that anything I wrote was a personal attack on them. Even if I called them out by name and said, "[Name], this is a personal attack on you, I am writing this because you forced me to do things I didn't want to do and it was not okay," they would STILL take credit for the fact that I was writing that, even though I was truly doing it in spite of them, not because of them. And if they didn't take credit for it, they'd still never believe that I was doing the bad thing because I was forced to be in school. That's the problem. I don't know what specific thing I need to do to make that happen.

If you get paid for something, you're making it in the world. You're being a good productive citizen. You turn out how the adults wanted you to turn out when they forced everything on you.
If you do something without getting paid, you're a volunteer, which is a positive thing to be, and yet again, they take credit.
If you don't get a job or contribute to society and you're living in your parents' basement without attempting to get a job, then they'll blame your parents fro not being strict enough. That's always what it goes back to. Okay, I guess in that case it's different because your parents are letting you stay in their house, but my point is, no one would ever believe that the REASON you have zero motivation and zero interest in contributing anything to society is a result of school and discipline. Never.
The only thing I keep coming back to that might have this affect is having a drug problem, and I do not want to go that route.

I just don't know what to do because nothing matters. No one ever believes me that I should have been an unschooler, and I don't have any hope of still becoming one. Does anyone care that I'm using my left hand to type at work? No. No one cares. That doesn't effect anyone except me, and it doesn't even feel like a full-on legit rebellion because my right hand is injured regardless. Does anyone care what's in my apartment? Okay, some people do, but it just doesn't feel like I'm doing anything that bad since it is my own space. Writing a book is like...a good thing to do. I feel like it doesn't even matter what the book is about. Writing a book will always be a good thing to do, always something that the adults who tamed me when I was younger and stole my time, energy, and life from me will take credit for. They'll act like they put me on that path, when in reality, they took me away from where I wanted to be. And that's my problem. It doesn't matter what the book is about. It's freaking book! What could possibly be more academically prestigious than writing a book? Like, I don't even think it would matter if I wrote a book about unschooling that full-on attacked my K-8 school and my college - they would always take credit for the fact that one of THEIR graduates wrote a book. Always. Even after I sent them The Unencrypted Truth. They would still take credit because I'm "their" kid. That's my problem.

I can't talk to a counselor or life coach because none of those people will support my goals. People like that always try to talk you out of what you want and get you to want something else. Get you to let go of how you're feeling and be okay with everything without DOING anything about it. I'm not dumb enough to think that any counselor out there would help me become an unschooler and act like I was never disciplined. Even if they have the knowledge and skills to do that, they're not gonna. I know that. I unfortunately cannot talk to anyone who is actually an expert in the psychology field because they'll push me to have different goals, rather than helping me achieve my real goals. If anyone knows a counselor who would help me become an unschooler/untamable, please let me know, but having been in the psychology world, I think it's gonna be very hard to find.

I don't know. Sometimes I think I should have gone into screenwriting or songwriting. It's easier to reach kids that way. When I'm writing books for kids, I feel like I have to get past parents somehow, but with music and TV, I would figure the parents probably don't know what their kids are watching/listening to. So that'd be easier. I don't know. I thought the survey would fix everything because I love writing surveys, and surveys have helped me out in the past, but this is not working. I know it's a holiday weekend coming up, so I'll repost the survey on Tuesday because I know most people will be busy this weekend.

I just want something that people who forced stuff on me can't take credit for. The problem is that if I *actually* behave that way that I legitimately think I would if I had been unschooled (which can't happen because that would involve me feeling much better than I actually do), the school people will take credit for how "well" I turned out. I need to NOT turn out well, and I need to be clear that it's because of what they did to me, not what they didn't do. I don't know how to do that. I feel like the stuff I've tried so far hasn't worked.

See, here's the thing. If I were *actually* a radical unschooler and I didn't go to a "prestigious" college, then I could do "positive" things like writing my books, and people would be like, "Wow, you achieved all this and never had any rules or discipline or formal schooling? That's unbelievable!" And I'd be taking a stand for all the kids out there like me who would only truly thrive without school and discipline in their way. I might cause parents to take their children seriously when they say they don't want to go to school. In fact, if I were an example of a kid who started out going to school, but hated it and was miserable and upset all the time, so my parents decided to take me out and then everything was better - that would be perfect. But unfortunately, I will never have that past. What actually happened will always be what actually happened, and any attempts that I make to behave as if something different had happened will always be attributed to what actually happened. If I started behaving exactly like my unschooling self, everyone who oppressed me would still get credit, because they are part of what actually happened. So I can't just go out and be the unschooling self that you saw in the unschooling post - I need to behave like people's perception of someone who was never disciplined. I need to behave like someone that you would think had never set foot in a strict private school and never got scared straight. That's what I'm aiming for here. I'm aiming for a full-on slap in the face to a lot of people, and I'm not gonna get that by writing a "self-help" book. Seriously, would you EVER pick up a self-help book in the store and think, "Wow, this person must have never been disciplined as a kid because they wrote this book?" Ever? Would that ever cross anyone's mind? Or would you say that about someone who took off their pants and mooned your grandparents at a family gathering? I guess it's clear what I actually need to do. I just wish I didn't. But if I don't get more suggestions through the survey, I'm gonna have to.

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