Nine years ago, a friend of mine opened a condom and left it in another friend’s laptop as a joke. It wasn’t my idea, and I was not involved in placing the condom, but I was in on the joke. For many years after that, when I was asked the question, “What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?” in games of truth or dare and on audition forms, I automatically referenced this time, except I said that I was the one who left the condom in the laptop, rather than standing there while my friend did it. In truth, the condom prank wasn’t that special to me. I mean, sure, it was a funny story, but even if I had been the one to place the condom, it just would not have been a moment that stood out as the most outrageous thing that I’ve ever done. But because I didn’t have the story like this of my own, I felt like I needed an outrageous story up my sleeve for when people asked. Otherwise, I would just look like a goody-goody who had never done anything outrageous.
Now I can proudly say that I have TWO great answers for the question of, “What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?” These answers are:
1. Starting a sex blog, writing about all of my wild sexual fantasies and sexual adventures, and essentially making myself into a porn star.
2. Sending The Unencrypted Truth to the top deans of my college, and letting them know that what happened to me in college will never, ever be okay.
(I’m hoping to have a third answer to this question within the next year or so, but I’ll explain my plan in another blog post).
What’s really special about these answers is that they’re mine. These outrageous things are really, truly me. They are things that actually matter to me, not just random things I did at a party so that I could say that I did something outrageous. See, even if I had been the one to place the condom in that friend’s laptop, or even if I had thought of that prank on my own, it just wouldn’t be special to me. I always felt like I was behind, like I wasn’t as cool as all my friends, even though I consider myself to be wild and untamable. And when I think about the answers that I have now to the question, “What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?” I realize just how far I’ve come in becoming the untamable person that I’ve always wanted to be. I realize that there are different ways of being outrageous, and just because I may not seem like the outrageous one in party situations does not mean that I am any less outrageous than people who get drunk and dance on tables and are the life of the party. We all have a wide range of different answers to that question, and my answers are special to me. My answers are things that not everyone could do. I am a writer, and it’s not everyone who could write a sex blog or who could write a hundred and two page essay about their college experience and have the guts to send it to the top deans at their school. Those are my answers to the question of what’s the most outrageous thing that I’ve ever done. And when I’m asked that question again next time I’m playing truth or dare, I will answer with pride, because the most outrageous things I’ve ever done are not random things that I did one time at a party – they are some of the greatest things that I’ve achieved in my life.
Oh, and while we’re on the subject…
Never Have I Ever gotten a peeling sunburn in the United States.
That's going to be my "Never Have I Ever" from now on, because at this point I've pretty much done all of the same cool and wild stuff that all my peers have done. Of course there are things I haven't done, but in terms of things I haven't done that most of my peers have done, there just aren't that many things left. It's not like back when I was 21 and felt like I had done nothing wild compared to my friends. I've done lots of wild sexual things, probably more than the average person has. I've driven way above the speed limit, I've stolen paperclips from work to use as sex toys, I've trashed my ex's car with cereal, I've told people to go fuck a porcupine, etc. The only thing I can really think of that most people have experienced that I haven't is getting a peeling sunburn.
Next time we play truth or dare together, I hope someone asks me what's the most outrageous thing I've ever done. Because now, I finally have an answer, and it would make my younger self very proud.