Monday, July 6, 2015

Nikki Again...For Now

I think I am tentatively going to go by Nikki again. Tentatively. Provided that the following conditions are met:

1. That that phrase "That's Nikki!" continues to be used in an affectionate way. You can say "That's Nikki!" about the Zits cartoon, about characters like DW Read and Angelica Pickles, or the kids on shows like My Supersweet 16. It just needs to be worded in an affectionate way that does not indicate that there is anything wrong with being those things. I can imagine my ex saying that Inside Out was a Nikki movie, in a slightly criticizing way. And I can hear him saying that Sadness is just like me, also in a critical way. The truth is, Inside Out IS a Nikki movie and I AM very much like Sadness, but I want that to be a PERFECTLY GOOD WAY TO BE!!! I want to hear those phrases simply as facts, with absolutely zero implication that there is anything wrong with something being a Nikki movie or a character being like me. So far, my friends and my parents have said that Sadness reminded them of me, and they meant it in a very positive way. This is why I'm thinking it might be safe to go back to Nikki, provided that things stay this way.

2. That no one pressures me to take back my own name and get over the fact that it was used as an insult. My choice to use Nikki again is 100% contingent upon other people's usage of the name and has nothing to do with anything inside of me.

3. That everyone still treats me like a wild, untamable girl who ditched academics to become a self-made pornstar, who has no respect for authority, and who cannot be scared straight by even the toughest authorities on the planet. Changing my name does not make me any less untamable, nor does it make my goal of becoming completely untamable any less important.

I will go back to using Amelia permanently if any of the following things happen:

1. People say, "That's Nikki!" in a non-affectionate way about things they disapprove of, to subtly imply that I should not be that way, rather than to simply point out that I have some kindred spirits in the world.

2. Anyone, upon hearing that I've switched back to Nikki, says something like, "Yeah, it was time to move on," or "You needed to get over him," or anything else to imply that I "needed" to get over my boyfriend using my name as an insult and go back to using my real name. Again, I am only switching back if other people use my name in a positive way again. It has everything to do with how I am treated and nothing to do with me doing anything. I am not a survivor or a self-sufficient person, and quite honestly, part of the name Amelia was meant to be a "fuck you!" to anyone who thought I should get over stuff. It was meant to show that the damage had a lasting impact that I was not willing to push through and function in spite of. I am going by Nikki only if it can be all about other people treating that name affectionately, but I will not go by Nikki if it turns into me getting over anything.

3. Anyone treats me like I'm less untamable. I am not going back to being sweet little Nikki. I'm still wild and untamable and I'm still planning to overthrow authority and run wild and behave like someone who has never been punished before. I still want to be destructive. Basically, everything I have ever said about Amelia - that's who I want Nikki to be. I know that a lot of people refuse to acknowledge that this is who I am, so forcing people to call me Amelia was a way of forcing people to accept my new identity, even if they wanted the old Nikki back. I really do want to use the name Nikki again, but I will convert to Amelia if I find that people are still treating me like a good kid.

I would like to go by Nikki again, but for now, it's contingent.

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