Thursday, June 11, 2015

Yes, I'm Serious

This is a study abroad trip gone wrong. Very wrong. I don't like earthling cultures and I want to go home to planet bubblegum but my spaceship won't pick me up!

If I could do absolutely anything on this planet, I'd get believed. I'd just get everyone to believe me and accept that when I say something was a certain level of bad, that's how bad it was and there is no argument or comparison to anything else. Yes, I'm serious. I would choose that over world peace or ending world hunger or anything else. I didn't used to feel that way, but I do now. If people just actually believed me, then I might think about doing something better for the world with that power.

If your sentence starts with, "I know you don't want to hear this but..." DO NOT CONTINUE. Why on earth would I want to hear stuff that I don't want to hear?????

From now on, anytime I read something that pressures me to get on with my life or take responsibility for my own happiness, I'm going to either post the phrase, "I'm a product of my circumstances," or I'm gonna link to my video about never ever ever pulling it together. Anytime. So you'll be seeing the same posts and videos several times a day whether you all like it or not, and the only way I will ever stop is when there is a cultural shift towards people not being responsible for their own happiness. Yes, I'm serious.

I am getting business cards for myself - real, professional business cards that I am ordering through the mail - that say that I'm not going to suck it up, tough it out, or get over it, and I will hand these to people who expect me to do those things. Yes, I'm serious.

You tell me to bite the bullet, I will bite you. Hard. Yes, I'm serious.

The grossest place on earth is this place called Maine. I know I said I was okay going back there, but I've changed my mind, and I will never go there again. If I end up crossing the Maine border because I get lost on my way to New Hampshire, or I need a gas station, or the river ends up flowing through Maine while I'm already in it, I am going to scrub my skin till it bleeds to wash off Maine. Yes I am serious, yes it is that bad, and yes, I will go straight home if anyone says anything bad about how much I hate Maine and how I react to crossing that border. It's my own business and you all can fuck off.

I want to get a potato peeler and slice off pieces of my ex boyfriend's skin and make bacon out of them. Yes I'm serious. That wouldn't even damage much, it would just hurt. I wanted to just hurt him emotionally, but a good friend of mine said that I wasn't respecting neurodiversity by doing that because I wasn't accepting that his head is made of rocks, so I'll have to resort to physical pain instead. I probably won't get this opportunity, so I guess I'll have to settle for writing it in a horror story.

Speaking of writing, I'm planning to write my own Burn Book (from Mean Girls) with all of my enemies in it. It will be vicious and leave people lying awake at night crying just like they've done to me. Yes I'm serious. If you think I'm this sweet little thing that doesn't know how to be vicious, you're terribly misguided. Allow me to enlighten you.

Writing stuff on my blog and Facebook and especially stuff to be published like the validation book and my personality quiz book - these are all alternatives to doing really, really horrible things that would give adults nightmares and make them wake up in a cold sweat. I am not willing to move on or think about happier things. So basically, if you don't support me writing those lemon-thrower-dismantling-machine books, then you are supporting me doing worse things, and I will consider that you have encouraged me to do those worse things. Yes, I'm serious.

I want to start a cult and have a cult initiation. Yes, I'm serious.

I want to start a third blog where I can write all sorts of graphic horror story style things that would give people nightmares, and people who like reading horror stories could read that blog, not knowing just how real everything I wrote actually was. Yes, I'm serious. This blog is getting too good-girl for my taste, I need someplace to be more graphic and gross and not a place where people I don't like can find me and get me in trouble. To all the people who I apologized to in college, in fall 2009: I was lying to avoid getting in trouble. I wasn't sorry then and I'm not sorry now. I'm glad I freaked you out. Serves you right.

And I really think I want to ditch my old name and go by Amelia full-time. I keep signing everything "Nikki," and answering the phone, "Hi, it's Nikki." So what is anyone supposed to do but call me Nikki? I keep going back and forth, but I think Amelia is a better way to go. She's untamable for real and she writes on that graphic blog that will give people nightmares. I want to give people nightmares.

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