Friday, April 10, 2015

I Lied to Avoid Being Abusive

I just wanted to let everyone know that I am a liar. I lied about something very, very important. I did it so that I would not be abusive.

Towards the end of our relationship, my ex starting giving me hints that we were going to break up. He got me a really special Ipod for Christmas with engraving on it, and then he informed me that he purposely didn't get his own name engraved on it so that I wouldn't have to get rid of it when we broke up. It was considerate of him. But he did say "when," not "if." At some point I was talking to him about social capital and said that everyone would take his side if we broke up. They'd all see him as this nice normal guy who finally broke it off with his "crazy" girlfriend. He assured me that that was not the case and reminded me of who would take my side. We actually had a conversation where we divided up all of our mutual friends so that I'd see that I would have a team of friends on my side.

At some point in our last month together, my ex said that he felt worried about me. He felt like he couldn't break up with me in case I hurt myself as a result. Now, I knew that I could NOT honestly promise him that I wouldn't do that. I NEVER make promises to anyone about how I'm going to feel or react to things, and I especially never promise to be okay. My true answer to that question was that I didn't know how I would feel when it happened and that his concern was completely legitimate. But I've read so many times that it's abusive to tell someone that you are going to hurt yourself if they break up with you. Obviously it's abusive if you're lying about it just to manipulate the other person to stay with you, but apparently it's also abusive even if you mean it. So I lied. I assured him that this would not happen, that I had plenty of support, and that he didn't need to worry about what I wrote in my college essay or my college poetry because that was a totally different situation and I did not see myself reacting the same way to him breaking up with me. While it was true that college was a completely different situation, it was a lie to indicate that I would be okay. I told a flat-out lie when he asked me this question because I just didn't want to be abusive.

And if anyone else ever says that they are afraid to ditch me because of what I might do, I will assure them that I wouldn't do anything to hurt myself, in order to be non-abusive. But it will be a lie.

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