Wednesday, March 4, 2015


I know a girl who always wanted to be a fast runner. She had been a slow runner for most of her life, mainly because she didn't have much of a chance to run. She was always being told, "Walk, don't run," so when she did get the opportunity to run, she wasn't very good at it. Then one day, she was finally able to run all she wanted and she decided to work on becoming a fast runner. Most people were unsupportive of this goal. Most people kept trying to convince her that she was a slow runner at heart and that she could never truly learn be fast. No matter how fast she ran, everyone kept telling her that she was still slow and would always be slow. But they didn't say this to be discouraging - they called her a slow runner as a compliment. No matter how much she desired to be fast, they just couldn't let go of the idea that she was a slow runner and that was what she should always be.

I am the girl in the story. This is what it's like for me when I say I want to be bad and everyone keeps trying to that I'm good or that I want to be good deep down inside. I know what I want. I am not misguided. All I have ever wanted to be is bad, wild, and untamable. I wanna be a bad kid who is beyond anybody's "help," a kid that no parent or teacher alive could ever tame. It is NOT very nice to try to convince me that I'm not really like what I desperately want to be and act like it's a compliment.

I have done some really, really scary things that would give my parents nightmares if they knew. NIGHTMARES. They would never sleep again. I've done tons of dangerous, risky things, I've become a self-made porn star, and I am working on undoing the influence of school by walking in zigzag lines and holding a pen incorrectly. I am planning to behave like a person who was never punished in my life and who never set foot into a school.  I want to be a person who cannot be scared straight by anything. I would REALLY APPRECIATE being treated like the untamable-by-any-authorities hedonist that I want to be. I don't know why you all cling to these good girl things that were never my choice.

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