I've realized something really important. I'm not sure why didn't figure this out sooner, but it occurred to me today: I absolutely need to start writing on my sex blog again. I know I have some serious reservations about it, but it is something that I just have to do.
Let me start by explaining why I stopped writing it in the first place. Basically, most of the blog was focused on things I did with my ex-boyfriend, so obviously once we broke up, I couldn't write about that stuff anymore. Even though I had things to write about that didn't involve him, and even though I was doing things with my friend that I could have written about, I just associated the blog a lot with him and thought that I would miss him terribly by even going on the site. Some time after the breakup, I managed to finish a very important piece that I had been working on about my earliest crushes, and I did a 30-day challenge just to keep myself in the mood. But after that, I decided to stop for a couple of reasons. One, I felt like it wouldn't be a good idea for me to write about the things I do with my friend because writing about that sort of thing makes me feel more attached and crave it even more. This is a good feeling, and it definitely works when you are seeing someone constantly and doing this stuff all the time, but my friend and I do not see each other as often as I'd like, and we don't do these things as often as I'd like, so I think there's a very good chance that writing the blog will make me miss my friend when they're not here even more than I do now. And secondly, it just seemed like a risky project to invest in. The sex blog was my primary focus for a while. When my boyfriend and I broke up, the thing that mattered most to me outside of our relationship also fell to pieces. Since I don't do sexual things casually, it seems like a very high risk investment to write a blog that is contingent upon the fact that I have someone in my life to do things with, and that we are doing them.
The reason I needed to explain all that is be clear that these are the only reasons I stopped writing the sex blog. I didn't grow up and decide to become a mature, professional, appropriate adult or anything like that.
I realized yesterday that I absolutely need my sex blog back. Why? Because on that blog, I am everything that I want to be. I'm wild. I'm rebellious. I'm inappropriate. I don't play by anyone's rules. On that blog, I am Amelia Untamable.
I did some really scary shit when I was a teenager. Things that would give parents NIGHTMARES if they knew that's what their kid was doing when they weren't home. And I managed to get away with all of it. I never once got caught. To this day, my parents don't know what risky, dangerous things I got up to when they weren't around. To this day, no adults in my life know what I did. Some of the things I did were way more dangerous than illegal drugs.I would really, REALLY APPRECIATE IT if people would give me credit for that and stop treating me like a good kid who never did that sort of things. I don't care what people say about "kids today" being wilder than we were - I know I'd give everyone a run for their money if they knew what I'd done. I'd like some acknowledgement.
I went to college to have fun and party hard, but because I don't like to drink, I got lumped into this goody-two-shoes group of good students and activists who would do homework or go to an educational talk on a Friday night instead of going out partying. I was expected to be one of them just because I didn't drink, and I STILL get treated like one of them to this day. Let me tell you this: whatever is it you think about me when I say I don't like to drink, whatever image that brings to mind...if you ever saw me in subspace - deep, deep subspace - you would never think that about me again. When I go into subspace, my body and mind are in a chemically altered state, and I can stay that way for hours. I'm not any safer to drive in that state than I would be if I were drunk. I'm being altered by the chemicals in my own body, and they are extremely powerful to the point that I do not feel honest at all in saying that I don't do drugs. I've gotten really, really high in subspace, and if you don't believe me, you can ask my friend Eli. They'll tell you what I'm like. I don't think you could distinguish me from someone who's drunk.
This is the real me. I never wanted to be a good girl. But I was forced onto a good-girl path the second I was unwillingly sent to school. If someone runs up to you on the street and says, "I'm really lost! Can you give me some directions?" the first thing you'd ask would be, "Where are you trying to go?" You couldn't possibly help the person without this information. But most of the time, especially with children, we don't ask that question. We just start directing them with no regard to where they want to be. I did not want to go to school or do any of the stuff we did in school. I did not want to wear a uniform or walk in a straight line or play nice with other kids or sit still and pay attention. I did NOT want to become educated, socialized, well-behaved, or a productive member or society. I wanted to run wild and free and have fun with absolutely no organization or structure in my life. Most of the adults in my life were thieves and force-feeders - they stole the majority of my young life from me by forcing me to go to school and do homework, and they force-fed me educational information that I did not care about at all. This was not okay and I will never forgive any of the people who did these things to me no matter how good their intentions were. I communicated what I wanted and if they did not listen then they are absolutely horrible and I will never, ever forgive them for what they did to me.
I never wanted to go to college, and I never wanted to be on the path of academic success, the path that involved doing basically everything that I didn't want to do. I never wanted to be good. No one ever asked me if I wanted to be good.
When I started going by Amelia Untamable on the sex blog, I felt like for the first time in years, I was being the person I wanted to be. I mean, not only was I a sex blogger, but I was a porn star! I was basically writing porn most of the time, and I was starring in it, so that makes me a porn star! I am completely serious. I consider myself a porn star, and I am planning to write lots more porn on that site, and maybe even post videos at some point (although I'll probably upload them someplace different). This is the absolute farthest away from the good-girl path I was on before that I can possibly imagine! Seriously, I'm an ex-Catholic school girl who used to wear uniforms and walk in straight lines and follow the rules, an ex-national honor society student who was supposed to go off and do great things, who was expected to let fun take a backseat to education, an ex-prestigious college student from a school where everyone has intellectual pursuits and supposedly goes off and has a big impact on the world, and an ex-grad student at a business school that's all about networking and impression management and climbing the corporate ladder...and you know what? I GREW UP TO BE A PORNSTAR!!!!
I am so happy when I think about that. I really did grow up to be a porn star after all.
So even if there is an emotional risk to it, I am going back to the sex blog and going back to being a self-made porn star. Back to being the person that would make every adult in my life think that they failed me. And you know what? They did fail me. They failed me by not helping me to get where I wanted to be. If they'd really, truly cared about me and listened to what I wanted, I would have been a porn star a long time ago.
A couple of things about the blog:
This is a purely hedonistic pursuit. Any sex-positive activism that comes from it is incidental. (Seriously, I got forced into activism in college and everyone still expects me to be an activist. I'm not an activist nor did I ever want to be one. I just got forced into that culture because I don't drink. Some people just can't recognize a hedonist if they're not holding a shot glass).
I'm planning to write lots of entries at a time and set them to update into the future. This seems to work best for me on that blog.
I'm inviting my friends to guest-post.
I haven't actually started writing again, so there is nothing new there now. I'll make an announcement when there is new material to look at on that blog.