Monday, January 5, 2015

I Don't Know What to Say...

I need to make some phone calls and actually talk about this with a few more friends, but not now since it's the middle of the night. I'll try to bring myself to do that this week after work. Try to. I talked to a close friend today and they made me feel a gazillion times better and more validated and more like it's okay to feel how I'm feeling right now. I'm just very confused. What I know for sure is that I need to share this with a few more friends.

So, I'm having a very hard time deciding if I should confront him about a particular thing. A thing that I never did confront him about. I definitely want to. I mean, the whole point of going by Amelia was to stand up for myself and confront people and not let people walk all over me like Nikki did. And I can honestly say that sending my college essay to all the deans at my school was the best choice I could have made in that situation. Even though the response wasn't the best it could have been, I am so proud of myself for sending that straight to the deans, and I would have regretted it if I hadn't. The difference this time is:
1. When I made the choice to send that essay to deans, I knew I was cutting ties forever and I was okay with that. I knew that I wanted nothing to do with the school, and I was not going to need to go back to them for anything. I don't feel like I'm ready to do that with him. Like, I still miss him. I want to cuddle with him and smack him at the same time. The feelings just go back and forth, back and forth in my mind, from one second to the next. The part of me that still misses him and wants to cuddle says that I can't confront him about something that would definitely end everything forever, and I don't trust that if I showed up at his door, I could actually stand my ground and confront him without wanting to cuddle and cry in his arms. And even if I were willing to not do that, even if I just felt angry and didn't miss him at all, I'd still have to worry about the social circle. With the college essay, I really made a decision that I was okay being done with the school forever - that in case that essay got around and became hot gossip among all the staff there, I didn't need any more recommendations from professors. I didn't need anything from anyone, and I was okay being done with everyone there for good. But while I'm not exactly best friends with his friends, our social circles are still connected, and the fact is, no one would believe me. My close friends who are done with him will believe me, but no one who is still friends with him will believe me. The circumstances in which I'm bringing this up just make it hard to be believed, and he's got all that social capital.
2. I'm talking to a rock. Not to say that I expected the college deans to take my issues seriously (I didn't), but the difference is that none of them were directly involved. There's no issue of me saying, "YOU did this to me," while the other person claims to have no memory of it, because I wasn't talking about anything that they specifically did to me. My friend thinks it's not gonna go anywhere and I'll just be more upset after, which I can see happening. There's a memory issue here, and it really is like trying to talk to a rock sometimes.

Okay, then the issue with telling other people (mainly my friends - I have no intention of making a public announcement) is:
1. I am still kind of terrified about not getting believed because of the circumstances in which I'm bringing up this issue. Like, why would I bring this up now if I didn't bring it up at the time. And I have written evidence (my own doing) that goes against what I'm going to say. It's all cognitive dissonance of course, and I've done this before, writing happy stuff that wasn't entirely true. But when you have to tell someone, "Don't listen to what I said before, listen to what I'm saying now that contradicts what I said before," it's just a scary thing hoping that you'll get believed.
2. I don't feel entirely right about this because I don't feel as bad as I should feel, meaning, as bad as a lot of people normally feel. It doesn't jump out at me as being worse than anything else that I've been complaining about recently, so I feel uncomfortable using the words for what happened. It just doesn't seem fair to people who feel much worse than I do for me to just go around saying that this happened, because it really doesn't feel that way. But it still feels like *something,* and I don't feel like I want to just let it go. It's really confusing. I sort of feel like a statistic now and I hate that feeling.
3. I feel confused because I still love him and miss him.
4. Here's the big one: I started feeling horrible in December, and I started posting lots of stuff on Facebook about how bad I was feeling. Most of what I posted had absolutely nothing to do with this thing that I'm talking about right now. Nothing at all. One day, in the middle of all of those days of feeling horrible, I was hanging out with Eli and rattling off all these things that had happened in the relationship that I was upset about, and this thing just sort of came up. And I looked them in the eye after I said it and was just like...oh my god...did I really just say that? And I guess it goes along with a bunch of other related things that I had told them about, but that I hadn't made public knowledge on Facebook or my blog. But my concern with bringing up this issue is that, like I said, this doesn't feel as bad as other people are probably expecting it to feel for me, this doesn't jump out emotionally as being so much worse than everything else, and so I'm worried that this is going to come off as a justification. I'm worried that the reaction will be like, "Oh! NOW we understand why you were so upset and writing all that negative stuff on Facebook. Now that we know you had a really serious issue, everything you said is totally justified." That is the absolute last thing I want because most of my feeling horrible was before I had even remembered this particular bad stuff, and that was totally justified on its own. I've just been having a lot of trouble lately with people not treating me like anything is horribly wrong (which it is!) and pushing me to function, mainly at work and with my family. So I just don't want my sharing this particular thing to be what makes people be more understanding about my not functioning, because this is not the whole point of everything that's wrong and I was totally justified before I remembered this anyway.

No comments:

Post a Comment