Sunday, January 11, 2015

Done

I am done with fetlife and munches. They were never for me, and it's one of those things I just kept doing and doing hoping that something would come from it, but nothing did, and after what happened at the last one I went to, I am truly done. Part of what kept me staying was that a blogger I follow who goes to lots of munches kept insisting that they were all pretty much friendly and welcoming, which is not actually true for everyone. (And it's kind of hard to make a blanket statement like that anyway when there are tons of munches all over the world, but I live in the same general location as this blogger). The other reason was that my friend wanted to go, and wouldn't be able to go if I didn't drive them. I knew that I could simply drop them off and go do something else and then pick them up later - that's what I'd do if I had no interest in an event and my friend just needed a ride - but something about that just felt so active. Active in the sense that, if it were just me alone going to the munches and I decided to stay home, that's a passive move. That's just saying, I don't feel like going tonight, which could have nothing to do with the munch actually being bad. But to drive all the way there and not stay when it would be way more convenient to stay is more actively avoiding the munch, and I had to admit to myself that it was actually making me feel worse, rather than just being something that wasn't my favorite thing to do.

I've deleted my picture and "about me" info on fetlife. I haven't actually deleted my account in case I want to use it someday, but now people can basically tell that I'm not using the account and will not contact me. I also deleted the link to my sex blog. I've decided that I don't want to actually delete the sex blog because I worked very hard on it and it's a project that I'm proud of, and I don't think that I should have to delete something that was ultimately mine because of bad things that happened in our relationship, but I do want to stop actively directing traffic there for now.

I have no idea how many hits I've actually been getting on that site because I haven't logged in for months. It's just kind of painful to read because it's something I wanted to continue and can't, so that hurts a lot. But that blog was how I told my secret that I have held inside for literally my entire life, so it will always be special to me in that way and I am not going to scratch the whole thing because of what happened with my ex.

No comments:

Post a Comment