Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Boundaries

I am DONE with people who do not respect my boundaries. Absolutely 100 percent DONE!!!!
Respecting my boundaries means:

1. Respecting my physical boundaries and not touching my body in any way that I did not consent to. This means not poking my zits when I've said not to, not pulling my hair when I've said not to, NOT fucking me when I am screaming for you to stop, and not continuing to do any activity when I say STOP out of character even when we are in a scene where you have control. You don't get to curl up in a ball and act like I did something wrong by telling you to stop or speaking out of character, and you DO NOT get to stay in character when I am speaking out of character.  We are playing a game and I have every right to stop playing and to speak out of character unless we negotiate otherwise. I understand that this is not a risk free activity and mistakes will happen and sometimes I will get hurt, but when boundaries are violated, I need a sincere apology and to know that you will try not to do the thing again. I can't have someone acting like it is no big deal.

2. Not pushing me to do things I don't want to do. Pushing includes pressuring, badgering, and guilt tripping me into doing things that I have said I don't want to do. This includes asking me to do a thing repeatedly after I have said no several times. This counts as pressuring even if I don't actually change my behavior as a result. These can be concrete things like going to a party or joining a club, more general things like pulling myself up by bootstraps and dealing with things when I have expressed an unwillingness to do that. This also includes pushing me to become something that I have not stated I want to become, such as more social, flexible, involved, etc.
This also includes being *forced* to do things I did not want to do when I was younger, such as going to school. I did not consent to going to school, nor did I consent to ANYTHING that I was forced to do in school. I did not consent to sitting still and listening to stuff I didn't care about, I did not consent to any of the schoolwork I was forced to do, I did not consent to being away from home, I did not consent to interacting with other kids when I wanted to be alone, I did not consent to having a structured day when I wanted to have an unstructured free for all day. There is no amount of making school more fun that would have made my experience a consentual one. My experience was not okay and I will never forgive the adults who forced me to do things without my consent.

No *adult* has ever respected all of my boundaries.  Not one. Comparatively speaking, I've definitely had my boundaries respected  way more than other kids did, but that is not so much a compliment as it is a horrible criticism of everyone else.  I have a few friends who respect all my boundaries, and I love them so much and I will never ever let them go. But as for everyone else, I am done. If I think of how many people have respected my boundaries vs. how many who haven't in the course of my life (and yes, being a child counts as part of my life) it's a lottery. I'm playing a lottery, and you know what? I'm done playing. Done. I quit.

I am done meeting new people. I am done trying to make new friends. And I am done leaving my apartment. Other than a couple of things I'm stuck doing, I am locking the doors to my apartment and never coming out. I am clinging tightly to those who respect my boundaries and rejecting everyone and everything else. I am hereby retracting what I said in The Unencrypted Truth about wanting to give people my initial trust and trusting the reader to take me seriously. I am now saying that if you don't take me seriously, you can't be in my life. I am dead serious. I am not leaving my apartment ever again and I am not meeting new people and playing the lottery again. I'm locking my doors and never coming out. And I DO NOT want anyone pushing me to come out. That is a boundary. Respect it.

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