Sunday, January 4, 2015

Bad Things

My name is Amelia, and I do bad things. I don't do good things. I have never had any inherent desire to do anything good. Not really. I was forced into a system that told me to be good when I didn't want to be good. I mean, for all I know, the real Amelia could be someone who does really horrible things. I don't know because I never got to do the horrible things I truly desired. I never had any interest in walking away and being the better person. I ain't into self improvement. I just wanna do what I want, what's good for me, and do BAD things, not good things. Here's how it works:

1. Walking away, letting it go, forgiving and forgetting - Nope. Not something I am ever willing to do.
2. Do something constructive about it - Meh. This is better than the first option, so I guess I'll do it if there's really no other option...
3. Do something destructive about it - HELL YES!!!!!!! I am a destructive person and I have always wanted to do destructive things and I'm always getting pushed to let things go, and even when I don't get pushed in that direction, I get pushed to do something constructive instead of destructive. Hey, newsflash everyone - I DON'T WANT TO BE GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!! If I want to do something bad, I WANT TO DO SOMETHING BAD!!!!!!! I am not looking for fucking substitutes! If I want to play in the mud, I want to play in the mud. REAL mud from outside that will make a total mess when I come inside. I don't want to be redirected to that fake sand substance that doesn't make a mess. If I want to play in mud then I WANT TO MAKE A MESS!!!!

So I'm gonna make messes and do lots of destructive things, and if I personally find that I feel bad afterwards, I will stop doing them. If I don't, then I won't. I have a feeling I won't feel bad because truly enjoy destroying things. If upon my college graduation I was given the choice of either having my validation book published and read by lots of people and definitely making a difference in people's lives, or I could burn my college to the ground so that it didn't exist anymore, I would choose burning my college to the ground. Hands down. Even if I knew the book would be successful and help lots of people, I would have rather seen the school be erased from this planet for good. I am dead serious. That's what I would have chosen. The only reason I'm writing this stupid validation book right now is because I don't have the means to do what I REALLY want to do, but maybe I've just been scared. Maybe sweet little Nikki was just being scared. This is Amelia talking now. Amelia does the destructive things that sweet little Nikki could only dream of. There is no more of """"your"""" sweet little Nikki. The several quotation marks are to emphasize the invalidity of that term. I was never yours. Not really. You just liked the idea of having a girlfriend and the idea of what you thought I was, but if you could honestly read my novel and say, "I can't believe my sweet little Nikki wrote this," you had no idea who the fuck you were dating. """"Your"""" sweet little Nikki is gone forever because she never existed. I ain't just a good girl gone bad, I'm a fake girl gone real.

And you know that time you said that it "hurt you" to hear me read the really dark poems I wrote in college? YOU FUCKING LIAR!!!!!!! It could not have hurt you or you wouldn't have made me feel that bad again and have to write more poems that are even darker than those. I am writing a new round of poems, and this time they're all gonna be way darker and harsher, with more SLAM and less elitist college English class in them. I'm gonna write poems that will scare you way more than those controlled structured poems ever did. And I'm gonna deface public buildings and possibly your home too, because doing graffiti has always been a dream of mine. Seriously, it's something I wanna do before I die, and I'm gonna do it. I am Amelia, and """"your"""" sweet little Nikki is DEAD!!!

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