I've decided to go back to living like a kid again and it has been awesome so far. I mean, not completely awesome because I still have to go to work and get pretty drained from that and I don't feel good during the work day, but while I'm being a kid, I feel good. I don't feel like getting into the specifics of everything I'm doing or psychoanalyzing anything (I'm happy to talk about it in real life, I just don't feel like blogging about it right now). But I'm planning to live like this now. I'm not accepting adulthood. I will always be a kid inside and I will always do the things I really like to do. I want my mindset to go back to what it was before I became a grownup, and so far, that has been happening. I am starting to feel like a kid again, but with no bedtime and no rules - exactly how I always planned to live as an adult.
So regarding the validation book. Yes, I'm still doing it. No, I'm not having my 6-month goal anymore. Trying to write this book before I decided to be a kid again was miserable. It brought me flashbacks and nightmares and general feeling bad all the time. My friend Eli told me that maybe I needed a break. So I took a break, decided to forget about my book and my goals of getting published and just do all the kid stuff I wanted to do. And after a few days of playing, the book ideas started entering my mind again. The motivation is still in me. But I'm gonna take it very, very slow for now. I just started being a kid again and I have much deeper to go before I'll really feel like I did when I was younger. But I am starting to feel a little better and I don't want to mess it up by putting pressure on myself to produce something.
This is awesome example of unschooling: http://alternativestoschool.com/2014/07/23/going-back-school-fall/ I wish I could have been pulled out of school back then. What the mother describes here is very common: there's a phase of not wanting to do anything (and who would blame them after being forced to do stuff for so long?), but then at a certain point, the kids sort of wake up and become interested in stuff again. I think I need to go through a phase like that before setting time-sensitive goals like finishing a book in 6 months. My whole life, I've been on deadlines and had pressure to study and learn and write and care about stuff I didn't care about at all, and I'm at a point where I just don't want to produce anything anymore. I don't want to be productive or motivated or anything. I just want to have fun. And that's what I'm planning to do.
And you know something? When I was a kid, I wrote all the time. I wrote my first musical when I was seven years old. I made up stories constantly. I didn't write all of them down, but imagination is a medium of its own. I used to purposely replay scenes in my head over and over again until they were exactly the way I liked them, and until they were solidified in my head. I know now that a lot of my younger stories were lacking in plot points, and I wouldn't necessarily want to go back and try to make something out of them, but there is no reason why I can't live that way again. There is no reason why I can't have my mind be entirely consumed in a really cool project, to the point that the story is a playground inside my head, and also write it down. It doesn't have to be perfect the first time around because that it what editing is for. Editing is the serious work part (which I actually enjoy quite a bit!) but the initial first drafts can be just as fun and playful as they were when I was little. There is no reason why I can't live that way again.
So as for the validation book, I am planning to write it, but I am not setting a strict time goal right away. I want to let my brain get back into happy daydreaming mode again. I need to go through that resting phase that unschoolers go through when they're first pulled out of school before I can feel that passionate, purely internal motivation towards my writing goals again.