Saturday, June 14, 2014

Meh

I am moving to Facebook and staying there. For good. I don't want to write books or poetry or blog posts or anything that takes work. No more. I am done. Facebook is where I am staying, and I just plan to keep writing my feelings on Facebook for the rest of my life.

I have no concept of intrinsic motivation anymore. It's all synthetic approval. Synthetic approval like, "Good, you're doing something productive with your life and getting your act together and not complaining on Facebook." Not like, "We're all so interested in your writing that we wish you'd do more of it!" The only reason anyone is pushing me to do anything is so that I'll get off Facebook and be strong and independent and have inner strength. I'm not interested in any of that. I am going to curl up in a little ball and have lots of validation and warm fuzzy cuddles. I am not willing to live without those things, and if I keep getting pressured to live without them and be self-sufficient well then everyone who's saying that can fuck off. Seriously. I am JUST looking for warm fuzzy cuddles and validation and I've said that a zillion times now! If you go to a store to get a screwdriver and they just keep handing you candy, well sure, a lot of people like candy, but it's really not going to be effective at unscrewing things!

I have more people who can see my Facebook status than anything else. My blog stats are horrendous, and they were horrendous even back when I wrote really good, organized, well-thought-out posts that I put lots of time and effort into. Back when I used to edit thoroughly and comb through every sentence to make sure the posts sounded smooth. My hits haven't changed a bit since I since I stopped editing, so why start up again? What's the fucking point???

Oh, you wanna talk about better outlets than Facebook? I WROTE A FUCKING BOOK!!!! Yeah, like, a whole novel. 226 pages. You know who I sent it to? Everyone I knew at the time. You who read it? My parents, my ex-bf, and two friends. None of them had the reaction of, "Wow, it's so scary how easily people can get coerced into doing things. I want to be more conscious of this in real life." (Not to say that these individual people needed to learn that, just that this is what my message was, this is what the story was about, and I impacted no one at all). My friend wrote a story that involved coercion and it impacted me a lot. I actually re-thought about things that I had grown up thinking were okay, and realizing that they weren't okay. I have never gotten a reaction like that. I've never had someone tell me that they learned that something was wrong that they didn't realize was wrong from reading something I'd written. Whenever I tried to bring important issues to people's attention in my fiction, I was told to get my emotions in check and write about calmer things. Or else I'd have people act like they cared what I had to say, only to pressure me to channel my energy into their cause which never had anything to do with what I was complaining about.

I am done with writing stuff that's good. I am done withholding anything on Facebook. If people ditch me because of it then we were never friends from the start. I'm not going through this ever again. I'm not ever gonna be ditched again because people found out what I'm really like because I'm gonna make sure they know that from the start. I'm not looking to be self sufficient and self validating I'm just looking for cuddles and there's no one to cuddle with right now and it fucking sucks I just keep getting walked out on right in the middle and there's no closure no nothing it just ends so abruptly and I am so fucking done with this. I need consistency and commitment. I'm looking for that toxic level of obsession that overly attached girlfriend has. I'm just looking for someone to hold on really, really tight and never let go. Everyone keeps letting go so fast.

No comments:

Post a Comment