Friday, February 28, 2014

Going Forward

It's 2014!!! Okay, you probably know that already. But this coming Sunday it will be one year since I made that close connection with my new friend and really felt like I was healing from Colby. I had a hard time with turning 26 this year and having flashbacks and feeling like I didn't really have my early 20's, but I've made some decisions about moving forward:

1. I want to state my goals in terms of what they actually are. This was Eric's idea. So many of my goals are about getting back to where I was before Colby. Part of that is a "Fuck you!" to society, to everyone who says that you can't move back and have to keep going forward. But Eric thinks that there's also some guilt embedded in those goals, that I feel like I've failed already. If I decided right now that I want to learn how to skateboard, I'm not going to feel guilty or angry or like I've failed by not already knowing how to skateboard, because it's just not something I ever tried. But I do feel upset by the whole getting back to normal aspect of my goals. So I'm going to try to think of my goals in terms of specifically what I want. Like, instead of saying that I want to be able to do something the way I used to do it, I'll explain how I used to do it. If I used to share my writing freely without fear of judgement, then my goal would be, "To share my writing freely without fear of judgement," rather than "To share my writing like I used to." They are both the same thing, but one of them sounds like I've already screwed up and the other doesn't.

2. I want to keep sharing. Let's say that when I was eight years old, a classmate punched me in the face. I'm probably not upset about that right now. It's probably not something I think about on a daily basis. It might not even hurt me to talk about it because it was so long ago and because that person is no longer in my life and going to punch me again. But I will never, EVER look back and say, "Come to think of it, it was actually okay that that person punched me. I don't know what I was so upset about at the time." That last statement is what everyone at Colby expected of me. When they talked about getting over it, they didn't talk about healing. They didn't acknowledge that there was anything to heal from. They expected me to look back and see that there really was never anything wrong. When I think about getting over Colby, a part of me feels very threatened because I start to think of "get over it" in the invalidating sense, in the sense of "it wasn't really that bad, it's not worth talking about anymore." I WANT to talk about it. That's the whole point - recovering isn't about pushing Colby aside and saying I'm never going to talk about it again and I'm just gonna focus on other stuff now. Recovering means being able to talk about my Colby experience without getting depressed. Part of the reason I didn't share stuff earlier was because it hurt a lot. I want to be able to talk about Colby without it hurting; I want to be able to say that it was wrong for that kid to punch me in the face without having flashbacks and feeling like I'm back there again. That's what healing means to me - not that I'm going to stop talking about it. On this note, I'm thinking I'm going to share the poetry I wrote at Colby on this blog.

3. I'm going to keep having fun. Back at Colby that seemed impossible, but now all that fun is right within my grasp. I have the absolute best friends in the world, and we're going to keep making pillow forts and having snowball fights and sharing intimate secrets and anything else we think of. Best friends in the world.



2 comments:

  1. Some of the Best things you can do are keeping your goals positive and hanging out with your friends. We want you to be able to share anything this us. And I always will.
    ~Ebo

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