It's 2014!!! Okay, you probably know that already. But this coming Sunday it will be one year since I made that close connection with my new friend and really felt like I was healing from Colby. I had a hard time with turning 26 this year and having flashbacks and feeling like I didn't really have my early 20's, but I've made some decisions about moving forward:
1. I want to state my goals in terms of what they actually are. This was Eric's idea. So many of my goals are about getting back to where I was before Colby. Part of that is a "Fuck you!" to society, to everyone who says that you can't move back and have to keep going forward. But Eric thinks that there's also some guilt embedded in those goals, that I feel like I've failed already. If I decided right now that I want to learn how to skateboard, I'm not going to feel guilty or angry or like I've failed by not already knowing how to skateboard, because it's just not something I ever tried. But I do feel upset by the whole getting back to normal aspect of my goals. So I'm going to try to think of my goals in terms of specifically what I want. Like, instead of saying that I want to be able to do something the way I used to do it, I'll explain how I used to do it. If I used to share my writing freely without fear of judgement, then my goal would be, "To share my writing freely without fear of judgement," rather than "To share my writing like I used to." They are both the same thing, but one of them sounds like I've already screwed up and the other doesn't.