Saturday, November 9, 2013

What I'm Working Towards

I know I've been saying for the last three years that I haven't been the same since Colby and I want so badly to change that. Well, this time I've actually figured out what I'm working towards, and I'm going to do it. Seriously, I'm just gonna get out there and do it because that's how you get things done. Okay, here's my inspiration:

I was rereading some of the personal essays I wrote in my eighth-grade journal. I went to a Catholic school at the time (I'm not Catholic), and we talked a lot about the Ten Commandments in religion class. Our teachers always discussed the commandments in ways that applied to us in our daily lives. For instance, we discussed "Thou shall not commit adultery," in terms of not trying to break up people's friendships and not forcing a friend to choose between you and another friend. In eighth grade, when we discussed the commandment "Thou shall not kill," our teacher said that this also applied to killing someone's spirit, like with bullying and emotional damage. This seems like a bit of a stretch for what that commandment hypothetically means, but I found it fascinating. I had never thought of that before - the idea that you could be physically alive but dying inside. I was having a hard time that year, and wrote a lot about my feelings in my journal. At one point I said that it didn't make sense to me that it's against the law to kill someone physically but not emotionally, because once you're physically dead, it's over, but you can keep dying inside a million times.

It's weird to read that now. I understand exactly how I was feeling at the time; it's just weird that the time, I felt like I had lost all of my confidence (which I had - I still validate those feelings), but when I read a statement like that now, my first thought is of how much confidence I must have had to express myself like that. I mean, I expressed how I was feeling, and stated exactly what I was feeling that way about. That's a really big deal for me! I've really stopped expressing just how important certain things are to me, or else I go the route of just describing the emotion without stating what's causing it. Because for me, those things just don't go together in other people's minds. I have a much deeper understanding of that dying inside feeling now than I did when I was thirteen, but even in my private journals, I never expressed it as confidently as I did back then.

This is what I'm doing now. I am going to go forward and express myself and link all of the emotional things back to what I am actually talking about. The only way to feel confident again is to just do it. Just do it...

1. I try to be an activist when it comes to pressure and validation. I have future plans for projects relating to these issues.  I am a non-proportionalist and I will not acknowledge any standards of what is important enough to focus on or to be an activist about.
2. I have a right to my own priorities. The main qualities I look for in a friend are someone who will validate people's feelings and who will not pressure people to do things that they don't want to do. I have every right to not be friends with someone who isn't like this, regardless of how many other people don't have a problem with them.
3. I want to feel good. I have every right to stop hanging around someone or stop doing an activity that makes me feel bad, even if I can't logically explain why it does. Unless I'm breaking a commitment I've made to someone, I don't owe anyone an explanation.
4. I will always take the time that I need to recover from bad things, even if no one else things those things are bad enough to require recovery time. I don't acknowledge any societal standards of how long I'm "allowed" to feel how I feel about something.
5. I will write about WHATEVER I want to write, freely, connecting how I feel to what I feel that way about, even if other people don't think my emotions "match" the situation. What would make me feel really, truly liberated right now would be to write a super-long post about getting a haircut without feeling any pressure about that not being important enough. That post will be up later this week.

Having a sex blog feels very empowering. I don't mean sexually empowering. I mean, empowering in a sense that it's non-defensive. It doesn't apologize for itself existing. While it addresses sexual pressures, it's never defensive in the sense of "I feel like I'm not supposed to have a sex blog, but I'm doing it anyway, but stop telling me I can't have a sex blog!" It's been a long time since I could say that about anything. But I'm doing it now. And I'm going to keep going.

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