Monday, April 4, 2011

The Responsible One

Since the beginning of high school, I've been considered "the responsible one," and I've always hated that label.  I hate it because it's not what I want to be.  Deep down, I really want to be wild and crazy, but my role has always been to keep things under control.  I thought about the logistics of our plans.  I kept track of time when we had someplace to be.  I suggested that we shouldn't walk in the middle of the street late at night.  I was in charge of everyone's safety.

Once drinking entered the picture, not wanting to drink left me walking people to their dorms and driving people home and being the only one not laughing or acting crazy or really having fun.  I have to take care of the people who are supposedly taking me out to show me a good time. I resent the fact that drinking is considered the only way to party.  And I have always resented that being sensible is considered the opposite of being wild or having fun.  I used to dream that I could go out and do something really stupid and crazy, that for one night I could disregard the rules of logic and safety and just be like everyone else.  I can't count the number of times I've planned or threatened to do crazy things, but I've never been able to follow through.  It's just not me.

But I realize now that I was going about this the wrong way.  I never wanted to be irresponsible - I just wanted the people around me to be to be equally responsible so that we could all have fun together and look out for each other, so that being sensible is a default condition rather than a stand-out quality.  When everyone is responsible, being responsible is not inversely proportional to having fun.  And I personally can relax and have a lot more fun knowing that I can really trust someone else.

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